Friday, October 16, 2015

Pride and Parenting Part One

Ever since I was a little girl, all I ever really wanted to do was grow up and become an attentive wife and loving mother. Over the last few years I have struggled with depression, in part, because I felt like I was a failure of a mother. Even though I had dedicated my entire heart and soul to this endeavor, I felt like I was always doing more harm than I was ever doing good. I was impatient, prone to yelling and far too critical of my older children. It seemed that all I was ever doing was disciplining and our family just wasn't all that happy. Every so often I would seriously think about how my children would be far better off with someone else as their mother. Unfortunately, they were stuck with me and things seemed to be getting worse instead of getting better. 

I felt like the Lord had given up on me as a mother, for I had given up on myself. I continued to diligently try, but most evenings I found myself recounting each and every failure and shortcoming as I fell asleep, pleading that the Atonement would make up the difference in the lives of my children.

In the beginning of September, my sweet husband gave each of the big kids their school blessings. Later that evening, after the kiddos were tucked in bed, he asked me if I was ready for my blessing. I hadn't asked, nor been expecting to receive one, but I readily accepted.

The blessing was so loving and powerful. While I will not give details here, the Lord spoke to my heart with words addressing things that only He and I knew concerning my mothering insecurities and issues.  

The blessing also spoke of the fact that when I received a calling (I was theologically unemployed as we had just moved into our new ward) that it would be very specific to what the Lord knew I needed at that time in my life. I didn't think much of this at that time.

I walked away from the blessing feeling as if the Lord hadn't given up on me. It was an amazing feeling, and I lived on that feeling for several days. 

A week or so later I was called to be a Relief Society Teacher. The first lesson I was assigned was Lesson 18 from Ezra Taft Benson manual - Beware of Pride. Though I had read the talk several times in the past, and twice already this year, this specific studying of the talk fundamentally changed me, hopefully for good.

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