I wonder why

I wonder why I keep coming back to this blog. I'm really not sure. But I am. Maybe as a way of journaling for my daughters? I am not sure how long this will last, but, for tonight, I am here.

It's been a bizarre last few months. Lots of ups and downs with our moving to a new home, ward, town, schools etc., not being able to sell our other home, financial stresses of starting a brand new job, etc. etc. etc. Basically just the stresses of life all crammed into one summer. But we pushed through it and were on the other side, or so we thought.

Shortly after moving into our new home, we found out I was expecting. To put this news in better perspective, our fertility doctors had told us we would never be able to get pregnant without doing IVF again. In fact, we have two frozen embryos from our previous procedure several years ago. We were absolutely, 100% blindsided by the news. We were excited and scared and in shock all at the same time. But it was wonderful and we were happy.

I was very sick, much sicker than I had been with my other singletons, which made me a little nervous that multiples were on the way again. Our twins are absolutely delightful, they were just a little tricky at first. :) I was also gaining weight and showing far earlier than I had before, but we just figured with baby #5, that was bound to happen. Initially we decided to hold off telling our kiddos until about 12 weeks, just to be safe. We did tell our parents and a handful of others out of necessity because I was so sick. 

Still in the first trimester, I found myself needing maternity clothes. At this point, we didn't feel we could hold off telling the kids any longer. They may have been totally oblivious to how sick I was (love my teenagers, but they are teenagers) but surely they would notice when I was wearing maternity clothes. So, one Saturday morning, we sat the whole family down and shared our happy surprise. Everyone was excited, especially my 12 year old daughter, who adores babies. She immediately started throwing out names.

The following Tuesday I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound, as sick as ever, and excited to see our little one for the first time. During the ultrasound my doctor's face fell. Our baby no longer had a heart beat. And our world crashed around us.

I had had no physical sign that there was any sort of difficulty at all. I was so sick and so very much growing as a pregnant lady is apt to grow, that, once again, we were totally blindsided. I was diagnosed with a 'missed' miscarriage. This is where the baby dies, but my body missed it and still was progressing as if I was pregnant. 

An additional ultrasound was scheduled the following week (6 days later) with a D&C scheduled for the day after that. I was advised that I may begin the process of miscarrying any time before that. 

I called my husband from the exam room as soon as the doctor left, my mind was a total blur. What was happening? Wasn't this our miracle baby? Wasn't this the baby that was 'meant to be' as our parents and others had said? 

I won't go into any details of the next several weeks, but they were difficult. The hardest part was telling our kids. How I wish we would have held off on telling the kids. But I suppose that it was better that they knew, better they had those few days of excitement than to never had had them at all.

We were very quiet about the whole miscarriage and resulting D&C. I am only sharing here because no one I know reads this, and I needed somewhere to begin again with my thoughts.

I was very morning sick up until almost the morning of the D&C, my body never did really recognize that something was wrong. I have had a D&C before when I was in my mid twenties with a very easy recovery. I expected the same this time around, but it was not the recovery I expected. It took much longer to physically recover than before. Maybe because of my age, or the type of miscarriage? Who knows. Just as I was beginning to feel somewhat normal again, my whole family came down with the nasty fall fever and cold. We passed that around for about two weeks, and now, at last, I am starting to feel like a regular human being again. It's been several months. And I have learned so much. And I have learned that there is still so much yet to learn and to become.

I am not here to even really talk about my miscarriage, I know that it isn't a unique situation and that so many of us have experienced this. I just give this as a preface to the journey of becoming I am attempting to make. 

Maybe that's why I'm here. Because I want my children, especially my daughters, to understand me just a little bit better. Maybe they will be more confident, more comfortable, more spiritually in tune if they can learn from my experiences. Learn to make better choices than I ever have, know that heartache can eventually fade and that the Lord will manifest His tender mercies always, but perhaps in even greater abundance during the stress and sorrow. Learn from my mistakes and become whom the Lord intends for them to become.