The Interplay of Faith and Hope

This is my life right now.

Every evening is filled with multiple injections and medications while almost every morning is filled with doctor appointments, ultrasounds and blood work.

We are in the middle of attempting In Vitro Fertilization. It is our last chance at being able to have any additional children that are biologically our own. We are experiencing the end, one way or another, of six years of trying to navigate our infertility issues. Six years of failed attempts and intense heartache. But I can sit here today and honestly say, regardless of the outcome of our IVF, I wouldn't trade those six years. They have helped me gain a greater depth of understanding then I would have otherwise.

We haven't broadcast to the world that we are attempting IVF. Only our family and closest friends know. What has been remarkable to me has been the almost universal response we have received when we have let people know that we are in the middle of the IVF process. Eight times out of ten the response is -

"I am so excited for you! Aren't you so excited to be doing IVF? That's just so exciting!"

My answer, though I often do not express it, is a resounding no.

Please understand, we are profoundly grateful for the privilege of attempting IVF. Especially under the miraculous circumstances that our opportunity came about. In every prayer that we utter, both silent and spoken, we express our gratitude. Our gratitude cannot adequately be expressed. But gratitude does not always equal excitement. It's something that runs much deeper.

I've have thought, over the years, about the distinction between faith and hope. President Uchtorf gave a marvelous Conference Address on this subject awhile back, but it has only been in the last few months that I have come to a better personal understanding.

Hope.

I have hope that our IVF will be successful. I have hope that all of this turmoil will result in the cradling of a sweet one in my arms. I have hope that this will not all be for naught.

But I know that whatever the outcome, it is the will of the Lord, and that we will be okay. That is my faith. I have come to more deeply understand that true faith centers in Jesus Christ and in trusting His will. My blossoming of faith has come as I have learned how to trust and accept His will, no matter what it is, perhaps especially when it isn't what I have so desperately prayed for.

I haven't always been able to so readily accept His will. It has taken years of sorrow and grieving and humbling to reach where I am now. And where I am now is still so very, very far away from where I need to be on my journey of faith.

Faith and Hope have existed in my heart over the last few weeks, dancing quietly and peacefully with one another. At times buoying courage and strengthening endurance, at times waiting quietly in the shadows, ready to appear when needed. But Faith and Hope have always been there - grounding me with knowledge that all is well, and all will be well, no matter what.

And as I've understood and recognized the presence of Faith and Hope, I have realized and humbly recognized the hand of the Savior holding mine, personally walking me through this experience.

Excitement isn't the word.

Profound, quiet, humbling gratitude.

Reverence for the sacred experiences that these last intensely painful six years have enabled.

Courage to move forward, to trust God and go on.

There are many scenes we could recall in which Jesus called the children to him...What do they know that Jesus wants us to learn? I love the insight of my dear friend Mary Ellen Edmunds. She says, "Surround yourself with sinless people; associate with children as often as you can." A newborn babe is a paradigm of purity. Can we somehow approach the purity of a child - the purity of heart, the purity of mind, the purity of language, the purity of behavior? Can we attain conscious innocence? Oh yes, that is the whole idea. Jesus teaches us, "Prepare yourselves, and sanctify yourselves; yea, purify your hearts, and cleanse your hands and you feet before me, that I may make you clean; that I may testify unto your Father, and your God, and my God, that you are clean from the blood of this wicked generation" (D&C 88:74-75).

He sent us children to study so that we could understand clean.

Jesus directs us to obseve our children so that we can be like them. We are all surrounded by children. Sometimes we don't notice them. Sometimes, even their mothers don't notice them... Do we take every opportunity to observe and learn from them? Do we smile and offer to play a little in the grocery line or quietly take a tiny hand over the bench in sacrament meeting? When we find them muddied in the garden, do we help them pick a bouquet, all the time searching out the qualities Jesus asked us to find?

Jesus is our teacher, but children are our first tutors in loving. As we love children, they will teach us more. Perhaps all we really can teach them is that love endures anything, that it has great staying power, that they can do nothing to keep us from loving them, exactly like the father of the prodigal son. And they teach us all the rest about love by loving us. In a warm nest of love they are freed to teach us all the rest.

~Ann N. Madsen

our opportunity

My family and I were in tithing settlement last Sunday when our bishop said something that has given me cause to really pause and ponder. He was talking about the paths our lives take and the challenges, trials and difficulties that we encounter along the way. He then said -

'Our Heavenly Father has crafted an individual, personalized plan for each of us to maximize our opportunity to return to His presence.'

Our Heavenly Father, in his infinite wisdom and with the tender loving of a parent, has created a plan specifically for me to maximize my chances of returning to Him. Sometimes, in my finite mind, I think 'Ok, I've learned what I need to learn. Let's be done with this,' or 'Could I not have learned this lesson another way?' Maybe I could have learned the lesson another, less painful/challenging/difficult way. But then I would not have learned the lesson with enough proficiency to further propel me on the path home to my Father.

As I have pondered that simple sentence, I have felt wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father knowing that the experiences I encounter whether joyous or heart wrenching are simply stacking the odds in my favor of once again returning to His presence. I have had a greater understanding 'that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.'

Thanksgiving Past

**I wrote this post Thanksgiving 2007 on our family blog. We had just returned from Israel, Egypt and Jordan. It has been three years since our trip, but my mind returns almost daily to the lessons learned there.**

Our hearts are drawn out in thanksgiving this year - we have so much more then we ever realized to be thankful for. Our trip helped us to recognize how truly blessed we are. To name just a few of our blessings -

We are thankful our children do not have to be sent out to beg everyday for enough money just to eat.

We are thankful for clean water to drink and a clean home to live in.

We are thankful for a peaceful, prosperous country.

We are thankful for the bounteous variety of food that abounds in our country.

We are thankful for a government, despite its flaws, that is mindful of its' people.

We are thankful that our children can go on field trips without armed guards.

We are thankful that we live in a place where we can freely share the Gospel.

We are thankful that we live in a country where women can speak and are respected for their divine qualities.

We are thankful for the type of health care that is readily available in our country.

We are thankful we have a temple in which we can commune with the Lord.

We are thankful to have walked where our Savior walked.

Most importantly, we are thankful for the Restoration of the Gospel and the hope, peace and direction it blesses our lives with.

Happy Thanksgiving!

soundtrack

Music is very important to me, it always has been, from the time I was very small. I am not particularly musically gifted, it is simply something I enjoy. From the moment I get up, to the winding down of the day - there is music in the background.

Over the last few weeks I have observed both of my children humming different pieces of music from my collection. I smiled and thought -

'I am creating the soundtrack of their lives.'

Just as Bing Crosby will forever bring to mind the wonder of my favorite childhood Christmas - as my sweet children grow, the music they have heard in our home will, hopefully, bring back memories of happiness and security.

I have once again been reminded that, as mothers, how vital it is to be thoughtful and purposeful in the music we choose to fill our home with! For we are the creators of memories, the invitees of peace, the calmers of fears, the artists who create the soundtracks that will soothe the souls of our children.

the end of the day

The weather was finally nice enough yesterday for me to walk to the school to pick up my children (and by nice I mean, it was at last cool enough to walk for an extended period outside without unpleasant words running through my head). Our elementary school is situated such that most of the children walk to school. The closer I got to the school, the more parents I noticed stepping out of their doors to join the pick up throng. I entered the front gate of our school and began making my way through the school grounds to meet up with my children. I closely watched the many children around me reuniting with their eager parents. Everywhere I turned were children with shining faces eagerly telling their parents with equaling shining faces about their day. Fathers were bent down looking into daughters eyes, mothers were giving and receiving enthusiastic hugs from their sons. There was a whir of chatter as families were once again together, with the occasional wiping away of tears from children that had had a rough day. For a moment I forgot about the seemingly endless list of tasks awaiting me at home. For a moment I was reminded of what really is most precious.

"We owe everything to the Lord. We are so blessed to be involved in a faith based work, a work in which we can create families, support families, defend families, teach families, and prepare them for the blessings of eternal life—and love them, love them, love them."
Sister Julie B. Beck

"Should a parent need added inspiration to commence his God-given teaching task, let him remember that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic event nor found in novels or history books—but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child."
Thomas S. Monson