A blustery day

It is a very blustery day. I wish it was Wednesday so I could say, "Happy Windnesday Piglet" but, alas, it is Thursday. We are actually under a high wind warning, and oh how the wind is blowing today. I haven't seen wind like this since our hurricane days in Texas. 

As I was getting ready this gray morning, listening to the wind howling, this scripture came to mind...

"And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
                                                        3rd Nephi 5:12

Surely the devil is sending forth his mighty storms, his hail, and his piercing shafts with ever greater intensity. His attacks are both direct and subtle, each brutal in their own way. I have been shocked at the tactics and uproar as of late. How can we build our foundation on the Savior? How can we stand firm in this increasing hurricane of doubt, temptation, sin and distraction? 

I have pondered this a great deal. And my answer has come, not in the wind, not in the earthquake, not in the storm, not in the great and spacious building, but through the quiet whisperings of simple Primary song.

"Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet - he knows the way."

How do we build a firm foundation upon the rock of our Redeemer? By following and trusting His chosen and appointed representative on the earth today, President Thomas S. Monson.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord by following His prophet. 

Pride and Parenting Part 3

For me, often just having my eyes opened to a problem works wonders. So it has been with my pride. Once I began to understand the real root of my unrest, disappointment and often anger with my two oldest children, it was almost as if it evaporated. For many years, I had been trying to treat the symptoms (unrest, short temper, disappointment, anger, generally all of the things listed in the previous post) and the treatments always fell so painfully short. Once I understood and began treatment for the real disease, my pride, the healing began and the symptoms were almost immediately alleviated. 

Why didn't I recognize this earlier?

The problem with that question is the word I. Pride is always all about self, and my desires for my children were just that - mine. I cannot tell you how many sleepless, tear filled nights I spent counting all of my mistakes and be baffled as to why everything was going to badly. I cannot tell you how many prayers ascended, begging for help, begging to be changed, pleading for my children. It was almost as if I had to empty my entire soul in order for it to be filled with the understanding and the perfect light of healing that our Father in Heaven was so anxious to give me. I had to have the wicked spirit of pride rooted from my breast. Any earlier and I'm not sure that I would have been in a place where I could have allowed every single, last, and solitary root to be pulled. My Father in Heaven knew that. And He opened my eyes the very second He knew that I was ready to receive. 

I have no doubt that He has been trying for a very long time to help me understand, but I just wasn't willing to concede my pride. 

I hope that no roots remain, but I am certain that I am going to need to diligently weed each and every day, to root out any shoots of pride that now arise and most certainly will arise throughout my life. 

How is this practically done? I still have teenagers whose behavior has not changed one iota since my realization. When faced with the multitude of situations a mother is faced with every hour of every day, I try and ask myself - "How does a prideful parent handle this situation? How does a humble and charitable parent handle this situation?" This helps, this helps so incredibly much. 

But what helps the most is the repenting almost continually. The immediate recognition that a particular situation didn't go well, the acknowledgement of the manifestation of pride, the asking for forgiveness, and the power that comes from the atonement. 

I am learning, albeit significantly later than most, that as I lose myself in the service of my children with a humble heart, that is when the Lord helps me to become whom He wants me to be. I find the life the He has in store for me is so much more beautiful that I ever could have imagined. 

Pride and Parenting Part Two

I am the oldest of eight children and I probably fulfill just about every oldest child stereotype there is. I feel the most safe when I am in control of whatever situation I may be in. I don't have to be in charge of the situation per say, I just need to feel like it is under control. This tendency mellowed when I had the twins and my life was throw almost totally out of control with absolutely nothing I could do about it. But it is still there to some degree, and it was especially strong when my oldest two were young. There was a certain way I felt they should behave, learn, perceive etc. and I was going to make sure they behaved, learned, perceived, etc. that way, no matter what. 

I still strongly believe in a well behaved, self-disciplined, well mannered child. I think we, as a society, are miserably failing in that regard. But I think I, especially with the older kids, went about achieving these goals in the wrong way.

Now that I have a teenager and an almost teenager, they are testing boundaries and are not as willing to go along with mom as they once were. I recognize that this is totally normal behavior, but it still has thrown me. Especially with my oldest. 

He also fulfills every oldest child stereotype :). And over the last few years his certain perception of the world and how things ought to be done often differ from mine. Countless times have I pulled the - "I'm the mom, this is how it's going to be, deal with it." We have had more yelling battles than I care to admit, none of which are particularly productive. I have been unsettled for quite some time about it, but honestly just didn't know what to do. I was trying so hard to treat the symptoms, that I was missing the disease itself. 

My disease became so abundantly clear as I studied President Benson's Beware of Pride address. I was a prideful parent.

I was a prideful parent.

I was so concerned with my son growing up to be a happy, productive, intelligent Priesthood holder that, without even being aware at first, I had begun to govern him as the adversary seeks to govern us, with enmity. My son was going to make it back, but I was going to control every step of that process and disregard his agency entirely. A chilling realization.

Our relationship had become one of annoyance, argument, and difficulty. We were losing our son.

As I studied the address, the following words kept ringing in my ears -

Pride Destroys

President Benson gave a very lengthy list of the manifestations of pride. As I went through the list, thinking specifically about my relationship with my son, I realized the following applied directly -

Looking Down

Faultfinding

Murmuring

Never Enough

Witholding Gratitude

Withholding Praise

Unforgiving

Power Struggle

Selfishness

Conceit

Self Pity

Worldly Fulfillment

Self Gratification

Self Seeking

Contention

Unrighteous Dominion

Generation Gaps

Easily Offended

Holding Grudges

Witholding Forgiveness

Justifying Injured Feelings

Defensiveness

Does Not Receive Counsel

Rationalization

Not Easily Taught

These were characteristics on my side of the relationship specifically. At this point I felt it was important to ask, "Lord, is it I?" instead of focusing on what I felt were my son's weaknesses. 

As I spent the week before my lesson, I found my eyes were opened. What before would have been a normal parenting interaction, my mind was now firmly instructing me, "that was a manifestation of pride", "that was prideful", "pride, pride, pride!". It was an unbelievable experience. 

Clearly, the error had been manifest, now it was time to begin the repentance and change. 

Pride and Parenting Part One

Ever since I was a little girl, all I ever really wanted to do was grow up and become an attentive wife and loving mother. Over the last few years I have struggled with depression, in part, because I felt like I was a failure of a mother. Even though I had dedicated my entire heart and soul to this endeavor, I felt like I was always doing more harm than I was ever doing good. I was impatient, prone to yelling and far too critical of my older children. It seemed that all I was ever doing was disciplining and our family just wasn't all that happy. Every so often I would seriously think about how my children would be far better off with someone else as their mother. Unfortunately, they were stuck with me and things seemed to be getting worse instead of getting better. 

I felt like the Lord had given up on me as a mother, for I had given up on myself. I continued to diligently try, but most evenings I found myself recounting each and every failure and shortcoming as I fell asleep, pleading that the Atonement would make up the difference in the lives of my children.

In the beginning of September, my sweet husband gave each of the big kids their school blessings. Later that evening, after the kiddos were tucked in bed, he asked me if I was ready for my blessing. I hadn't asked, nor been expecting to receive one, but I readily accepted.

The blessing was so loving and powerful. While I will not give details here, the Lord spoke to my heart with words addressing things that only He and I knew concerning my mothering insecurities and issues.  

The blessing also spoke of the fact that when I received a calling (I was theologically unemployed as we had just moved into our new ward) that it would be very specific to what the Lord knew I needed at that time in my life. I didn't think much of this at that time.

I walked away from the blessing feeling as if the Lord hadn't given up on me. It was an amazing feeling, and I lived on that feeling for several days. 

A week or so later I was called to be a Relief Society Teacher. The first lesson I was assigned was Lesson 18 from Ezra Taft Benson manual - Beware of Pride. Though I had read the talk several times in the past, and twice already this year, this specific studying of the talk fundamentally changed me, hopefully for good.

I wonder why

I wonder why I keep coming back to this blog. I'm really not sure. But I am. Maybe as a way of journaling for my daughters? I am not sure how long this will last, but, for tonight, I am here.

It's been a bizarre last few months. Lots of ups and downs with our moving to a new home, ward, town, schools etc., not being able to sell our other home, financial stresses of starting a brand new job, etc. etc. etc. Basically just the stresses of life all crammed into one summer. But we pushed through it and were on the other side, or so we thought.

Shortly after moving into our new home, we found out I was expecting. To put this news in better perspective, our fertility doctors had told us we would never be able to get pregnant without doing IVF again. In fact, we have two frozen embryos from our previous procedure several years ago. We were absolutely, 100% blindsided by the news. We were excited and scared and in shock all at the same time. But it was wonderful and we were happy.

I was very sick, much sicker than I had been with my other singletons, which made me a little nervous that multiples were on the way again. Our twins are absolutely delightful, they were just a little tricky at first. :) I was also gaining weight and showing far earlier than I had before, but we just figured with baby #5, that was bound to happen. Initially we decided to hold off telling our kiddos until about 12 weeks, just to be safe. We did tell our parents and a handful of others out of necessity because I was so sick. 

Still in the first trimester, I found myself needing maternity clothes. At this point, we didn't feel we could hold off telling the kids any longer. They may have been totally oblivious to how sick I was (love my teenagers, but they are teenagers) but surely they would notice when I was wearing maternity clothes. So, one Saturday morning, we sat the whole family down and shared our happy surprise. Everyone was excited, especially my 12 year old daughter, who adores babies. She immediately started throwing out names.

The following Tuesday I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound, as sick as ever, and excited to see our little one for the first time. During the ultrasound my doctor's face fell. Our baby no longer had a heart beat. And our world crashed around us.

I had had no physical sign that there was any sort of difficulty at all. I was so sick and so very much growing as a pregnant lady is apt to grow, that, once again, we were totally blindsided. I was diagnosed with a 'missed' miscarriage. This is where the baby dies, but my body missed it and still was progressing as if I was pregnant. 

An additional ultrasound was scheduled the following week (6 days later) with a D&C scheduled for the day after that. I was advised that I may begin the process of miscarrying any time before that. 

I called my husband from the exam room as soon as the doctor left, my mind was a total blur. What was happening? Wasn't this our miracle baby? Wasn't this the baby that was 'meant to be' as our parents and others had said? 

I won't go into any details of the next several weeks, but they were difficult. The hardest part was telling our kids. How I wish we would have held off on telling the kids. But I suppose that it was better that they knew, better they had those few days of excitement than to never had had them at all.

We were very quiet about the whole miscarriage and resulting D&C. I am only sharing here because no one I know reads this, and I needed somewhere to begin again with my thoughts.

I was very morning sick up until almost the morning of the D&C, my body never did really recognize that something was wrong. I have had a D&C before when I was in my mid twenties with a very easy recovery. I expected the same this time around, but it was not the recovery I expected. It took much longer to physically recover than before. Maybe because of my age, or the type of miscarriage? Who knows. Just as I was beginning to feel somewhat normal again, my whole family came down with the nasty fall fever and cold. We passed that around for about two weeks, and now, at last, I am starting to feel like a regular human being again. It's been several months. And I have learned so much. And I have learned that there is still so much yet to learn and to become.

I am not here to even really talk about my miscarriage, I know that it isn't a unique situation and that so many of us have experienced this. I just give this as a preface to the journey of becoming I am attempting to make. 

Maybe that's why I'm here. Because I want my children, especially my daughters, to understand me just a little bit better. Maybe they will be more confident, more comfortable, more spiritually in tune if they can learn from my experiences. Learn to make better choices than I ever have, know that heartache can eventually fade and that the Lord will manifest His tender mercies always, but perhaps in even greater abundance during the stress and sorrow. Learn from my mistakes and become whom the Lord intends for them to become. 

Parenting is Not for the Faint of Heart

I have a teenager.

He is a great kid who is dealing with teenage issues. The poor boy has a mother (me) who has no idea how to parent a great kid dealing with teenage issues. The poor boy has a father who is much better at dealing with teenage issues, but who is, unfortunately, in the final throws of residency and is seldom home when said teenager is awake.

Every single day I fall so unbelievably short of what I feel I should be for my children. It is so easy for me to interact with my littles, but it has been so much harder with my older children. Somehow, I'm not sure when, the dynamics of our relationship changed. Instead of constant chatter, there seems to be an awkwardness that wasn't there before. We haven't transitioned well (or maybe transitioned at all) into a parent-teen relationship. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure where to even start.

I've spent a lot of time thinking and on my knees over these concerns. Sometimes the answers I get are so counterintuitive. Sometimes I don't know how to implement the answers I receive. I think that that is part of the challenge right now, to trust the inspiration I have received and then seek further inspiration for implementation - trusting that even though it doesn't make sense to me, it is right. This isn't easy, but I suppose growth and humility don't come without struggle. And I need a great deal of both.

The book pictured above is one of my favorites. I have turned to it time and again and am preparing to reread it once more. One of my favorite quotes is from the preface-

   The scriptures are inexhaustible, and no one has mastered them except the Master himself, though
   he has promised he will guide the least of us through them if we ask. May these thoughts generate
   an interest and a curiosity in you to search the Lord's word for encouragement and revelation to
   bless you in your parenting, the most intensely and critical - and magnificently fulfilling - of all
   vocations. May you have the comfort - as you experience all the frustrations, apprehensions, and
   anxieties, as well as the elations, delights, and joys of being a mother or father - that the Savior
   himself lovingly spoke of your calling:
 
   "And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he
   said unto them, Whosever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and
   whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me" (Mark 9:36-37)

   Having a child in our home may be the closest thing to having the Father and Son themselves
   within our walls.

Thinking...

I've had a few thoughts rattling around in my head that I've been wanting to share, but the realizations are still in their infancy and I need to think on them a little longer. I do want to share this clip in the meantime...

Resolutions?

I used to really enjoy setting goals for the new year. I LOVED the week in-between Christmas and New Years because everything seemed so fresh and possible. And then, a few years ago, life became really hard on almost every front. When the new year rolled around, the thought of creating resolutions was almost laughable. But I did set a goal every January for the last several years, and that goal was simply to survive another year. As things have settled down in our lives a bit the last few months, I have very tentatively thought of setting a few new goals this year. I'm still not sure if I will beyond survival, but I am thinking about it. It always is amusing to me how my life perspective changes over time - from goal crazy to virtually no goal other than survival -maybe it's time for a happy medium?

A Merry Literary Christmas

(My oldest daughter falling in love with The Hobbit)

A Merry Literary Christmas

When Christmas shopping time draws nigh,

And I am faced with gifts to buy,

I think about one relative

Who always had one gift to give.

Year after year her present came,

And every year it was the same.

While other gifts were round and fat,

(Their secrets hidden) hers were flat,

Rectangular, the corners square,

I knew exactly what was there.

I'd pass it by without a look -

My aunt had sent another book!

I'd only open it to write

A "thank-you" that was too polite,

But every year when Christmas went

I'd read the book my aunt had sent,

And looking back, I realize

Each gift was a treasure in disguise.

So now it's time to write her here

A thank-you note that is sincere.

So - thanks for Alice and Sara Crewe,

For Christopher Robin and Piglet and Pooh,

For Little Nell and William Tell

And Peter and Wendy and Tinker Bell.

Thanks for Tom and Jim and Huck,

For Robinson Crusoe and Dab-Dab the duck,

For Meg and Jo and Johnny Crow

And Papa Geppetto's Pinocchio.

For Mary Poppins and Rat and Toad,

King Arthur and Dorothy's Yellow Brick Road,

For Kipling's Kim and tales from Grimm,

And Ferdinand, Babar, and Tiny Tim.

I loved them all, I'm so glad I met them.

They're with me still, I won't forget them.

So I'll give books on Christmas Day

Though I know what all my nieces will say -

I know it from the way the write

A "thank-you" that is too polite.

Alice Low 

This video was shown at our Relief Society Visiting Teaching Conference yesterday. I really appreciated the message and thought I would share. It's a little long, but well worth the time.

Deliberate Gift Giving

 I LOVE this time of year! There are so many reasons I love November, but one that I find especially fun is that this is the month I do all of my Christmas shopping. I always try and wrap all of our shopping up by Cyber Monday. I like to have all of my shopping done by the start of the Christmas season so that I can spend time with my family enjoying all the other wonderful activities the season brings.

Christmas shopping for my children is one of my all time favorite things to do. Maybe because it's the only time of the year I've ever really been able to buy them gifts??? Whatever the reason may be, I look forward to it all year long. Over the years I have found that Christmas shopping for my kiddos naturally lends itself to a thoughtful evaluation of how each of the children are doing physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It's been a great time to remind myself of both the short term and long term goals I have for my each of my children individually. This is where the deliberate gift giving comes in.

As I think of an individual child's interests and what he may be struggling with, I try and give gifts that will help him along his short term and long term eternal path. For example, I want my daughters to love and throughly enjoy mothering. Because of this goal, I have tried to give gifts that inspire and cultivate this desire. My mother often told me that she always felt it was her responsibility, as a mother, to help her children identify their talents and then help them to develop those talents. As my children have gotten older, it has been important to give gifts that help them enhance their talents and interests. For example, my two oldest children play the violin and cello. To help them further develop this talent, they will each be receiving fun music they enjoy to play on their respective instruments.

This is often so much easier said than done! As my children have gotten older, they have been more influenced by the passing fads and whims of a very commercialized world. It has been very tempting to buy my oldest son the latest and greatest gaming system, but as I step back and look at the long term goals, the question becomes, 'Will this gift really help him with his physical/spiritual/emotional/mental well being?' Now, don't get me wrong, we have a gaming system and we ALL love to play it! :) I just don't feel that, this year, using our allocated Christmas money for this purchase would help our son in the long term.

Now you are probably thinking we are mean parents who never get our kids what they really want, they are just kids after all and not everything should be about reaching goals! When our oldest was very young we set the rule that he could ask for one thing from Santa each year (it was all we could afford at the time) and we didn't want his gift list to breed greediness. This rule has stuck and that one request must be in writing to Santa no later than Black Friday, with no mind changing after that! ;) Our kids almost always get the one thing they ask for, in fact I can't think of a time they haven't. With their other few gifts they receive, I try to find something they would adore within the realm of what will strengthen them either spiritually, physically, mentally or emotionally.

So, I return to where I started. I love this time of year, because it offers up  a time to reflect on each child's progress, talents, interests, needs etc. and then allows me to find small gifts that will encourage their short and long term growth and well being.

Happy Christmas Shopping!

Becoming Like Him

This past General Conference was amazing for me. I didn't realize just how spiritually depleted I was until I listened to His servants. One very strong impression that I walked away with was that both my family and I needed to make a much more concerted effort to develop attributes of the Savior. While the answer for how to do this with my family came easier, for myself I spent more time pondering/praying and was reminded of Chapter 6 in Preach My Gospel, "How Do I Develop Christlike Attributes?" - just what I needed!

I took a very honest, at times painful, look at myself as I went through the Attribute Activity at the end of the chapter. I have a great deal of work to do, but I am excited to have a focused plan as I move forward.

The first attribute I am working on is Faith in Jesus Christ. Faith in Him is foundational and if I am lacking in faith the development of the other virtues really won't matter. At the moment I am working through defining faith and developing personal questions to answer as I study faith in greater depth. I am hoping to periodically check in here (the title of this blog is Becoming after all) about this great adventure I am embarking on, that of making a very honest, focused, personal, exceptionally imperfect, but sincere attempt to Become more like Him.

Would anyone like to join me?

Super Hero Madness

This is my cute little three year old boy. How I adore this boy. At the moment he is obsessed with super heroes. I am honestly not quite sure how it happened. His older brother, now 13, was never interested in super heroes in the least bit, so this whole super hero thing has caught us way off guard. My little one has never seen any super hero movies or tv shows, so I am guessing that he became drawn to them due to the incredible (and excessive in my opinion) amount of super hero paraphernalia he sees when we are out and about.

Batman is his favorite. A dear friend of mine gave my little one this Batman costume for his birthday in September and I don't think he's taken it off since. He spends most of his day and night pretending he is Batman and saving the world from the bad guys.

When I say he is crazy about super heroes, I really mean he is crazy about them. I've always been somewhat uncomfortable about the obsession for a variety of reasons. As I have been praying about ways to help redirect some of this enthusiasm, I have felt that moving in the direction of Scripture Super Heroes would be a good thing.

While I know that this idea of Scripture Super Heroes is not a unique idea, it will be something unique for our family. After receiving this impression last week I've been made several trips to various dollar stores to try and put together a Scripture Super Hero costume trunk. My little one LOVES to dress up, so I am hoping the costumes will initially help him be interested. I've also been on the look out for pictures of various scripture heroes and ways to tell and reenact the stories in an exciting three year old way. I've tried hard to be still and listen to what would be in my son's best interest, as not only is this new territory for me, but also because He knows my little one much better than I do.

I have a few ideas to begin with, but any and all help would be most welcome!

How To Know

I LOVE the Mormon Channel! Love it! 

I just finished listening to a fabulous program on Gospel Solutions for Families entitled 

How To Know If You Are a Good Parent.

 It was what I needed to hear today - have a listen if you get a chance!

The Well-Educated Mind

Many years ago I read The Well Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer and absolutely loved it. The Well Trained Mind outlines a systematic approach to classical education that resonates with my personal educational philosophy. The Well Trained Mind has become a well worn reference book for our family in augmenting and supplementing my children's education.

One of the things I loved the most about my years of obtaining my degree at Brigham Young University was all of the marvelous literature I encountered. It was tremendously satisfying to read a well written book and then engage in thought provoking discussion. I received my degree in American Studies and then went on to teach elementary school until my first kiddo was born. Through all of the years that have followed (and they have been many!),  I have always wished I was more familiar with the classics of literature. I just didn't know where to start.

To my delight a few years ago I came across another book by Susan Wise Bauer entitled The Well Educated Mind - A Guide to the Classical Education You Never Had. In it she outlines a method for studying various works of literature based on the trivium of classical education. I knew that, someday, this was something I wanted to pursue. I also knew that, while I was in the midst of newborn twins, two elementary age children and a husband in residency, now was not the time. :)

This fall, with a seventh grader, a fifth grader, three year old twins who take great naps, and a husband still in residency, I am happy to say that now is the time! I have carved out a few hours here and there during the week to study more in depth than I have been able to in the past.

My book list at the moment is pictured above. I am reading and analyzing Pilgrim's Progress according the The Well Educated Mind and am studying the others through notes, outlines etc. I am always amazed at how deeply I am enjoying this study.

I only wish I had someone to discuss what I am learning with who happens to be reading the same material! For the moment I have been, with greater enthusiasm then my children might appreciate, starting dinner off with, "Guess what I learned today!" Oh well, hopefully someday my children will remember that their mother loved to learn. And hopefully someday my husband will finish residency so that we can read and discuss together. :)

The Piano Lesson

I have taught piano lessons in my home to supplement our income for many, many years while my husband has been furthering his education.  Our piano was older than I am and over the last year or so was falling apart at a rather alarming rate. We could hardly keep up with the repairs and upon our last visit our piano technician let us know that he would do his best, but our piano was on her way out. We certainly didn't have any money for a new piano, so we tried to maintain the piano the best that we could.

During all of this, my husband was offered a position to stay on at the hospital where he was finishing his residency. Part of the contract included a small salary advance my husband would receive in order to help our family out financially during his last 14 months of residency. We were thrilled with the contract and I was especially excited about the prospect of having a little cushion, something we haven't ever really had during our almost fifteen years of marriage. As we were looking at the numbers we decided that we would have just enough extra to purchase a new piano. We became overly excited and started piano shopping. Our contract had been signed after all, so we thought the salary advance was a guarantee.

One morning, when we were planning on going piano shopping, I had the thought that we shouldn't purchase a piano yet, we needed to wait. Unfortunately, I did not heed that prompting. A few hours later we purchased our new piano.

Well, when all was said and done, the salary advance did not come when we thought it would, and when it did come, it was not as much as we had thought it would be. Instead of the cushion we needed, we now have a piano.

There are many lessons we have learned from our stupidity. :) I will share just one today.

One of Satan's tactics is to try and convince individuals to do a good thing at the wrong time. And when you do a good thing at the wrong time, it is no longer a good thing. For example, dating is a good thing. Dating before you are sixteen is not a good thing. Intimacy in marriage is a marvelous thing, intimacy before marriage is not. This has been Satan's tactic from the beginning - starting with Eve. Partaking of the fruit of the tree of life is a good thing, partaking of the fruit of the tree of life at the wrong time is not. The list goes on and on.

This is one of the piano lessons I have received. Every time I look at our beautiful piano I think of how wanting a new piano was a good thing, but purchasing a new piano at the wrong time has not been such a good thing.

I love my piano and I am grateful for it. It is a good thing too, because I have now had the privilege to take on several new piano students to help cover our last year of residency. ;) Oh well, I am truly grateful that the Lord is merciful and forgiving and that He always lovingly helps us to try again.

We have a saying around our house for when things are going well or when things aren't going so well, "Better keep paying our tithing." We firmly believe that paying our tithing is the only way we have been and will be able to financially survive.

Our exercise of faith in this principle has been constant this last 9 months or so as we've encountered the most straining financial circumstances of our 13+ years of marriage. We have been holding fast to the promise of tithing as one would a life vest in a stormy sea, as indeed that is what is has become for us. Things have been challenging and at times the outlook has seemed fairly grim. I often would think back on stories I had heard from General Conference, friends, family etc. of checks that would show up for amounts that they weren't expecting at just the needed time. I found myself wishing, more than once, that such an occurance would happen to us. I would then think that, unfortunately, I knew where every penny had gone and ,unfortunately, no one had overcharged us or owed us any amount of money. I would then square my shoulders and put my faith in the fact that the Lord would have another way for us to make it through this challenging time.

On Saturday my husband and I were going through the mail and were beyond grateful to receive a notice that one of our major bills was going to decrease by about $400. We then were shocked to find a check attached to the notice in the amount of almost $1600. We had been overcharged the previous year and our overcharge was being returned. We were shocked into a stunned silence. A miraculous amount of money at the time we needed it the most.

The Lord is so very merciful and good to us.

Things have been hard, really hard as of late. My husband and I spent a lot of time on Sunday night trying to figure out why this may be. Each of us had been feeling as if our world was imploding with absolutely nothing we could do about it. Not a very pleasant way to feel. That night I read this devotional by Elder Bednar. It was as if a light came on. I had somehow fallen into the trap of thinking that I had to do everything perfect before I could ask the Lord to step in and help. My thinking was, 'How can I ask the Lord to help us if we haven't done our part with perfection?' I learned that the enabling power of the atonement is there to help us with our part of what is required. We are NEVER required to do our part on our own, the Atonement gives divine help and strength to our most feeble but sincere efforts. I prayed that night to feel the strength given through the Atonement and almost instantly I felt at peace. Peace I haven't felt for a long time. Nothing about our situation has changed, but everything about my heart has changed. I have felt the peace and very literal strength that can ONLY come through the Atonement, and that has given us the faith and hope to walk forward.